it is all about values

i have learnt through the hard way the importance and value of money. it is not THE everything but i cant deny that it is a mean to an end. without cash, i have very limited things to do. i cant enjoy myself during weekends after sloughing myself 6 days at work. i have to self psycho myself that shopping will kill me further. i need to force simple lunch down my throat for a few days. i must consider and re consider before i make a decision just to spend that miserable 10 cents. what a life!

i felt guilty for once. i dont regret my decision but after hearing sad true stories on how other people fight to make their hungry stomaches full each day, i feel like slapping myself. i have almost everything within reach and i lead a comfortable life. instead of treasuring what i have now, i have totally no regrets for anything which i own now. will i only learn how to treasure when i lose it?

i have been thinking a lot these few days when i was resting at work. life is made up of sacrifices. i cant be a greedy person and want to have everything all at once. i will gain some and lose some along the way. it all has to depend on my priorities to see which are the things i want to hold on tight. sometimes, it is not up to me to decide what i want although i believe that i choose the way i want to live my life. principles and freedom always clash. i know deep in my heart how much i want to get out of the whole damn thing but something at the back of my head is telling me that i cant be an irresponsible person. i cant help it but to agree to it. it is just not me to have someone to clear up the mess i have created. i should take pride and responsibilities in anything that is given to me. i want to follow it through from the start till the end. is it a foolish decision? is it worthwhile? i cant be bothered with all these doubts from myself and the people around me. all i know is i will stand by my principles. it is hard to change my values overnight.

it has created a lot of problems for both my family and friends. i am sorry about that. i know how much i have neglected you but i need to follow it through. let this be a discovery journey for me to know how far i can stretch. let me be a better person out of it. i understand the distance between us is growing apart but just bear with me. i seek your patience and understanding in my decision. i shall not whine or grumble anymore. i have made a decision so be it. happy or sad, it is all up to me how i want to live each day.

"inspect what you expect"

march is ending soon

the dreadful march, because of the endless working days, is coming to an end soon. YES YES! it's time for me to countdown again. however, april is not a good month either. it is a month to slunge lke nobody business. in total, i have 7 birthdays to celebrate and 7 different birthday gifts to buy. to make things worse, i cant be stingy with the presents because they are either my family members or friends whom i can click with very well. big headache again! how am i supposed to save lots of money for my dream shopping trip before the school term starts?

what should i get for my dad? i used to be in charge of the cake and my brother will settle the dinner. cake again? boring. furthermore, the options that i have are very limited and unoriginal. as i was walking home a few hours ago, i thought why dont i bake a cake for him instead. haha.... it's time to show off my limited cooking skills. yes, tiramisu cake!!!!! i have been longing to learn how to bake the cake but i always miss the opportunity to learn. i shall succeed this time round.

how about sister? argH!!! i am clueless. quick, i want that good friday holiday to be here soon. i have made plans with the fat and ugly jiefang to haunt for my sister's present. hurry hurry!!!!

resting at home and slacking my day away is something i wish to happen once in a blue moon. it is a blessing in disguise that i am having a headache now. =)

"hang on"

touch me and i shall EXPLODE!

i am in such a foul mood now that anything on earth is going to irritate the hell out of me. first at work and now at home. what the hell! today is an ANTI-KAREN day. everyone is against me and thinking of one hundred and one methods to make me bleed to death for all they care.

the day did NOT start well since morning. i was pissed at the traffic light at the junction near suntec city.the bus could only cross to the other side of the road after 3 red lights. to make things worse, i was LATE for work. imagine the anxiety in me and the hatred for the traffic light growing with every second. i was close to pulling my hair and asking the bus driver to clash into the other cars to cross to the other side.

when i reached the damn depressing room, i saw this paper on my table and my partner was drawing lines on it while sorting files. she told me we are supposed to keep track of how mnay files each of us can do per day because THEY want to check on our productivity. fine, watever and pray hard that the chinese character "zheng" will NOT haunt me later in my sleep.

bad news always arrives when it is close to knocking off time. my dearest boss, despite notbeing able to come to work, she checks on us by calling. should i praise technology or not? she is a committed leader because she is thinking about work when she is supposed to rest at home. for that, i respect her. she has been thinking and thinking of many ways to improve our productivity and speed so that we are able to finish the project by april. however, no matter what numbers she punches into her poor calculator, it refuses to show the number nine thousand. it shows that we are unable to complete everything by the end of april when my contract ends. so how? THEY have no intention to extent the damn contract so they have to push us. WE ARE WORKING AT OUR MAXIMUM POSSIBLE SPEED. what more do they want? i am no a robot. how am i supposed to complete unrealistic goals? i have my own committments. i have my own set of priorities. and i still find it unreasonable for me to pay for a mistake which i did not commit initially. am i not being sensible here? NO!

i had to wait close to 15 minutes for my bus on my way home with a stomach groaning away. do u know how unbearable is to be endure hunger for me? it is close to killing me slowly.

since the day is ending soon, i thought maybe things will take for a change. BUT, my dearest MSN has to give me even more problems. i keep signing out of MSN after i am signed in for a few secons. i dont know why. i followed goi's instructions and went to repair my MSN at the control panel, hoping that everything would be fine but the stubborn msn refused to be repaired. i am damn angry that i uninstall the programme and it is taking donkey years to re install all thanks to my lousy and slow internet connection which my dad refuses to upgrade. CRAP! amazing, i am still able to chat with some people on msn although i cant find anymore msn files in my hard disk. in the past, there is always this window popping out saying i am signed in in another computer. HUH? i only have a PC at home. how on earth does the other PC come into the picture?

summary for the day: crap, lousy, shitty, pissed.

"leave me alone"

work or play

when is the line drew between work and play? it is unqiue to each individual. i cannot force mine on you and you cannot force me to change mine too. that's why i refuse toexplain when friends are asking not to work too hard and too much. we all have our own priorities and i guess we share different opinions.

i truly admire those who have mastered that skill, especially successful married career women with kids in the family. i am not trying to be biased but we women tend to be more emotional. for me, when i am tied down with commitments, i will not put my own interests in the first place anymore. i will think more for the other party ( it sounds like a silly thing to do but it is just like that for me). how am i supposed to juggle work and play? should i be with my kid when he/she is still a toddler? if yes, how about my career and my free time? i do not have the intentions to stop working when i have settled down. i want to work till i cannot work anymore maybe in my seventies or so.

working is taking a lot of my time now, leaving me with limited time spent with my family and friends. my dinner time has been pushed back to close to 9pm due to work. the only time slot i am free for my friends are my pathetic weekends. i only have about 3 hours per day with my parents. see, i am having problems with work and play now. how am i supposed to know how to juggle work and play together?

i am not going to blame anyone for this. i choose to live my life in this way and i have to pay for my decisions. i just learnt something from here. in life, i cannot expect myself to have everything in the world. i need to make sacrifices along the way to grow.

"learn it in the hardest way"

it's all about yourself

it's hard for me to find time to rest now, but i dont regret. i have to pay a price for every decision i have made. since i have planned to live my life in this way, i should stick through and through to it and no think about the "what if" anymore. it serves no purpose except to bring misery to my life.

it's all about the mindset. i just have to encourage myself to keep going and it does not feel that painful anymore. stay optimistic and dont let it affect me too much. is it the environment that affects the person or the person who affectd the environment? i want to be the later one. i want to control the pace of my life. i hate it to be pushed around by people or forced to the wall by some unforeseen circumstances. i want to stand up on my own and live the life i want to be in.

play at work. that's what i have learnt at FISH tales. dont just work and work the whole day long. it just makes my work boring and dull. inject some life into work. wait a minute! i am not trying to promote gossiping at work but just PLAY at work. i was playing along with one of my colleages at work today and time seemed to pass faster. YEAH! obviously i need to find a playing partner at work first.

i am so damn broke that i feel like crying now. i heard a piece of good news today. woon has got into the TOOP 100 round. woohoo!!! all the way girl! sing your heart out. =) another thing taht is worth celebrating for is i have half way through march alrdy, which means i have 2 more weeks before i get my march pay. be patient.

"self control"

if only everyone is a stranger to me

i wonder if it is good to have nobody who knows me well. everyone will be a stranger to me. they dont know the true me. they wont be able to guess my next action or thought. so there will always be a sense of suspense. i dont have to bother about how i should behave in front of them and what i should talk about. they wont bother about a small fry like me who is insignifcant in their lives. i wont troubled myself with inter connections with everyone i know. i wont be afriad that words will spread and the news will be distorted. i dont have to be the ms nice, ms cool, ms friendly or ms whatever anymore. i just have to learn how to be karen. just some random thoughts.

"find your true self"

workaholic i am

karen is CRAZY!!

i cant help it but to keep myself going. i cant stand or sit still and slack my day away. i hate it when i have nothing to do. i dont like to stare in space. i want my mind and body to be moving at every single second. i dont need any leisure or personal time. i do not want to waste my time. i love deadlines. i want to overload myself with responsibilities. i like to keep myself busy. i just want to do and do and continue doing.

these are signs of maddness. it is a once in a lifetime holiday before i step into the working society. i should be enjoying my holidays and not overworking myself and ends up being underpaid. i am not short of cash although i had made a expensive purchase just yesterday. people around me have been asking me to rest more and take care. no worries! i wont collapse and die at the next moment. maybe workaholic can be my second occupation

"choose with your eyes open"

many thinkings to do

everything is confirmed and it is pointless to look back and think. now, what's most important is my future. what do i visualise myself being as? what is my interests? will i be able to cope with the course? is it practical in Singapore society? there are so many doubts to clear and i feel like a lost sheep.

i always have interest in chem eng. it started in sec4 when my chem tutor was telling us a lot of stuff about chem eng, like the job scope, the high starting pay and how can the chem eng apply the chem concepts at work. it may sound boring to some but i like it. i want to pursue my interest because i believe that interest and passion are the driving force to work for the rest of my life after graduation. so i have been telling myself to follow my interests more than my brain because i am the person who allows my head to rule my heart.

after deciding on the course, how about the school? how can i judge each school on? i am currently not a student of any local universities. it is hard for me to decide which school is the better one without myself experiencing the school life myself. ask my seniors? that is a possible way to find out but different people adapt differently to the same environment. consult my tutors? yes, that's what i am going to do tmr and i hope it will be a fruitful trip. =) check on the schools' web and attend their open house? i cant make myself to believe everything i read and see at the open house. no school will be in the right mind to condemn itself on a website. some part of me feel that open house is just for show. it does not really showcase the true life of a student from that school to a large extent.

i need time to sit down and think about it but i cannot squeeze time out for myself. i am really very busy because of work now. besides working at my current working place, i took up a tuition assignment near my house. my first session is on this wednesday and i hope everything will be fine. my tutee will be a nice little kid and the parents are loving, caring and understanding. furthermore, i had started my first guitar class with QIFEI and mr moo on last saturday. everything is going fine except that i have trouble using my 4th finger for the fingering. my 4th fingers are the weakest link and i need to apply a certain amount of strength in order to produce a sound when i pluck. am i just a busy person? sometimes i wonder if i am asking for trouble? i could be contented with my current job and not take up any tuition assignments until my contract ends. i can learn my guitar at a later age since music has no age limits. if i am just working at my current workplace only, will i be a happier person with more time to think and feel the people around me? they are snatching all my precious leisure time away from me. dont worry, i dont feel depressed or pessimistic from such a hectic life. at least i know that i am spending every single second of my life with worth. hope i wont be burnt out before april comes.

"everything comes with a price to pay"

the temperature keeps rising

i cant help it but to feel unjustified for myself. i understand the need to push for it but please spare a thought for me. i am not a perm working adult yet. i am still going to further my studies and this is the last longest holidays i will have before i slog for the rest of my life in a few years' time. i am supposed to be enjoying every single moment of my life now and not suffer in pain and agony.

we are humans, not robots. how are we supposed to hit the unrealistic target? we have tried our very best but we are still under the target. how? extra hours? is it really the best solution? i believe our productivity drops drastically after 630pm. we are unable to get sufficient rest and the tiredness snow balls to the next day. so overall, the productivity does not seem to be there anymore.

the worst part is i feel that i am paying for a mistake that i have not committed. there are many external and internal factors, which are inevitable, slowing down the process. so how can you expect us to speed up and handle these factors at the same time? multi tasking? why dont you watch us do everything for a day and maybe you will see the light.

i appear to be very childish because i cant accept the harsh reality of the working life. i understand that hard work pays off but i am not willing to work that hard now. this is not the time for me to start building my career. i am just asking for some fun in my life. i do not want to live a dull and boring life, with only work revolving me. i want to spend time with my family and friends.

i truly admire those successful career women.

"dont be someone you cant be"